My Biggest Fears For Moving Abroad

I am incredibly excited about the year ahead and the upcoming move. I’ve longed for this for years and it finally feels within reaching distance. 

I’m not scared about it not working out. I would much rather regret the things I’ve done, than the things I haven’t. I am fortunate in that I have a strong support system in the UK, and I know that I will always have a base here to come back to if it all goes wrong. I’m not so scared about losing money, as money will always come and go. I can’t wait to immerse myself in another culture, another way of living. The dream of what I could achieve fills my heart with fire; there is a passion in my soul that comes alive at the thought of my future life. 

That said, there are things that absolutely terrify me. Today, I wanted to talk about some of the biggest things that scare me about my upcoming move.

Believing in myself

I’ve never been scared to take risks. I was raised with the belief that I have the potential to achieve my dreams, and I always have a place to call home with either of my parents. When I reflect, this belief has really shaped my attitude to a lot of things. I know that if everything goes completely wrong in my life, I always have a back-up plan. This has allowed me to take risks and not necessarily fear the consequences as much as other people may. 

That said, this feels like the biggest thing I’ve ever done. It is the first time I’m making a decision that could potentially have catastrophic repercussions. To be doing it all alone in my mid-twenties, taking such a great risk on myself without the greatest budget behind me, fills me anxiety - like a sweaty palms, tight chest, heart-beating-like-a-frantic-drum, kind of anxiety. 

I am well aware of my own limitations, my strengths and weaknesses. I know what I need to do to get over there, and I have done as much research as I can, but it does still feel like I’m taking a risk based purely on a dream. I don’t know if I’m deserving enough of my own faith - if it all goes wrong, then I only have myself to blame. 

On the flip, if this does work out, it could very well be the greatest thing I’ll ever do. The promise of what could be excites me more than the fear of believing in myself scares me. But my god, it doesn’t half scare me! 

Selling my first home and moving in with my dad

Home ownership provides me with a sense of security that I’m reluctant to initially give up. I bought this house - my first house - at 20 years old. I aren’t a fan of change - I like my structured routine and a familiar, controlled environment - so the idea of selling up feels like a huge deal. 

I know this house. I know the creaks and cracks and drips and draughts of this house. I have uncovered the many personal intricacies of my home. I bought a new build off-plan, and whilst it was never intended to be my forever-home, I have grown with this house. I am a completely different person now to the naive 20 year old who first got the keys. I have grown and developed and changed. I have experienced the happiest times of my life in this house. I have experienced some of the worst times of my life in this house. Every single room is full of memories and experiences that I am scared that I’ll forget if I leave.

I got married, and divorced, while owning this house. Even though I hope my ex-husband will always remain in my life, it feels like moving out is finally saying goodbye to that chapter. My rapists were found guilty whilst I’ve lived here, I remember getting the call as I parked up on the drive one early-August afternoon. I have had many jobs whilst living here; I started a career that I love from this house. Owning this house allowed me to get my dogs; this is the only home they’ve ever known. Nearly my whole adult life has been built in this home. 

I’ll be doing another post explaining the process of my move, but in short, I will be selling my house and moving in with my dad until I’m ready to relocate to France. I know that I’m fortunate to be able to do this, and it definitely seems like the right decision based on the experience I have at this point in my life, however the idea of moving back in with a parent at 26 after leaving home at 18 feels like a step backwards. I feel like we have a cultural stigma around moving back in with parents, and I am scared of the potential judgement from other people when I say ‘I live with my dad’. 

I absolutely adore my dad and I am genuinely looking forward to spending more time with him. I’ll also be much closer to other family and family-friends, so I am very excited to see them more and deepen connections with people who I haven’t seen much for 8 years. I’ll have more support with my animals as I won’t need to pick everything up myself; I’ll have more financial security as I won’t have a mortgage and other household expenses to fund on one wage; however, the idea of giving up my freedom does scare me. 

Currently, if I want to walk around the house stark-naked, then there is nobody to stop me. I can stay up until whatever time I want; I can have lazy days without anyone to judge; I can make as much noise as I want or sit in complete silence if I wish. I am completely responsible for my living environment, and giving that up, even temporarily, feels like a big thing. 

Being alone forever

Coming out of my divorce, I wasn’t sure if I would ever want to get married again. After doing a lot of reflection over the last nearly 2 years, I think I do want to get married again. Despite going through a divorce, I do still believe in the sanctity of marriage. I want a life-partner, someone that pushes me to be my best-self, someone to grow old with and experience a full life with. 

Although I am committed to learning the French language, I worry that I’ll never be a fully fluent French-speaker, that I won’t fully understand the intricacies of the language enough to develop a deep bond with another person. I worry that I won’t fit in in France, and that I’ll always feel like an outsider. 

I guess one of my biggest fears is being alone, living alone, and dying alone. 

It’s not just the thought of being romantically alone that scares me. I’m also scared I won’t make any friends. Being neurodivergent, I do struggle to make friends. I struggle with social interactions sometimes and, whilst I will happily talk to anyone about anything, I find it very difficult to move conversations from small-talk to anything deeper. 

How do you make friends as an adult? I have quite social hobbies and I’m happy to interact with people, but I really don’t know how someone goes from an acquaintance to a friend. 

Add the language barrier onto that, and I’m scared I’m going to be incredibly lonely. 

Being rural

I have a very clear idea for the type of house I want to buy. I do not have the biggest budget, so I am aware that the kind of property I buy will be a complete renovation. I’m actually very excited about this - coming from a family of builders, I love a bit of DIY and I am excited to be able to work on the house with my dad, learning new skills, and putting blood, sweat and tears into the house! I want somewhere remote with a bit of land so that I can have space for the dogs to roam, and enough space to set up a small yard to have horses at home - the equestrian dream! I currently live in a busy suburb which really doesn’t suit me. I want peace, tranquility, and very few neighbours!

That said, the idea of being truly remote scares me. What happens if there is an emergency? How do I deal with being alone if someone tries to break in? I have anxiety and get scared when I’m home alone in my current semi-detached house in the middle of a housing development - what will this be like when I live alone in a foreign country with no immediate neighbours? I know I will have the dogs to protect me, and I will be taking as many reasonable security measures as I can, but nonetheless this is my biggest fear about moving. It’s funny to me that the one aspect of the move that excites me the most - being in the middle of nowhere, having land, and experiencing the true country life - is the exact thing that terrifies me the most too. 

What if it fails? 

I’ve been very open about my plans and dreams. I mean, I’ve literally put this move into the public domain by creating a blog to chronicle the journey! I feel like I therefore have a higher level of accountability with this than if I hadn’t told anyone and just did it quietly. 

Although I aren’t scared of failure - I genuinely believe there is no such thing as failure; as long as I try my best and learn from mistakes then nothing is a wasted venture - I do have very poor self-esteem and worry about what other people think. I’m scared with this being so public, that people will judge and form their own opinions if it doesn’t work out. This isn’t one of my biggest fears, as such, but it does still scare me nonetheless. 

In conclusion, there is a lot that scares me about the coming months and years. However, there is a lot more that excites me! There is so much coming up that feeds my soul, that really gives me a lust for life. I am hopeful about my future, and the fears do pale in comparison to the potential of what I may achieve with this. 

Whatever happens, happens, but by god I’m going to give it my all, try to enjoy the journey, and really hope that one day I can look back on this time and be proud of myself for giving it a go.

Keep moving forward and you'll never have a reason to look back